Sunday, July 24, 2011

No More Fear



Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did.”- Mark Twain

I believe this to be the truth.

My life's motto now is, "No More Fear".  I decided years ago that I was done with allowing fear to govern me, my life and that of my children's.

As I write, my son is in Europe.  Hopefully he's in Frankfurt where he should be.  I haven't had word that he and his friends arrived safely but I was forewarned that internet access might not be available until he got to Sweden.

I hope he remembers once he gets access.  You see, 5 minutes before I took him to the airport to catch his flight, I heard the news that there was a bombing in Oslo, Norway at a government office and that a gunman had opened fire on a bunch of youth, ages 16 & 17 at a youth camp and it was suspected that the two were related to terrorism.  My heart flew into my throat.

My son's trip is with the oldest group in the Scouting program and it's a world jamboree.  Kids his age from all over the world will be converging on Sweden.  If the attack at Oslo was meant to get the world's attention, it makes sense to me that this event would get a lot of attention should something crazy happen.

The news was so fresh that there wasn't really any other information.

I showed him the posting of the event on CNN and said, "You still want to go, right?"

He said he did.

That was the moment that I told him he MUST email me every single day, preferably twice.  He said twice would probably be very difficult.  We agreed on daily.  I told him that I'll be home worrying and that if he emails every day, I will feel much more confident.

When I heard the news, my first instinct was to tell him his trip was off.  However.  I fought it and took him to the airport.

Yes.  It's important to me that I live my life without any fear.  If it's important for me, I believe it's just as important for my children to live without fear as well.  That does not mean living without caution though.

I have urged him to be cautious.  I hope he has a super wonderful time.  And comes home safe and happy, full of great experiences.

I'm blogging from here in East Glacier, Montana, where I've taken my daughter.  I felt that she should have some kind of trip too even if it's not Europe.  I want her horizons widened just as much as my son's.  She was excited to go to "another country".  I think she's finding that it's really not much different but she's very much enjoying it.  We wandered about doing touristy type things and rented horses to go out a little into the back country to explore.

My bum bones are starting to hurt.

And me?  No more fear for me means a new relationship.

It's hard not to have a little fear when faced with trying something that you've tried before and failed at.  Relationships are a significant influence on the quality of one's life.  It's not something I enter into lightly.

We met about 2 weeks ago.  He asked me out.  I hesitated a moment and answered, "Yes, okay."  He waited a week before making our first date, worried by my hesitation that maybe I didn't really mean yes.

It has been a whirlwind of communication and time and more communication and familiarizing ourselves with one another.  And we found that we are so familiar that it seems we've known each other forever.

Still, I let him know I was approaching things with caution.  And he accepted that very willingly.  He has been nothing but patient, understanding, giving and positive.

Then this past Wednesday night, something niggled at my memory.  My brain nagged at me, telling me that there's something I'd forgotten and needed to remember.  I came here since this is where I sort my important thoughts and feelings.

I randomly clicked a few of the keywords on the sidebar a few times, looking at some old posts.

Within a few minutes I had come to this post.  Note the date.  It's very important to this story.

I read it and read it in disbelief.  You see, the man I described in that post 15 months ago is the very man who has stood in front of me and said by his actions, "Choose me.  Take a chance.  Choose me." 

It is him.  I'm certain it's him because he meets every single characteristic I described over a year ago.  Except one; the cologne one.  However, he did used to wear it.

He's 6' 6".  Our first date he invited me out for a motorcycle ride.  It was a Sunday.  I thought we'd be gone an hour or maybe two.  We were together for eight hours.  He's a past musician but still very much loves to play piano, guitar and drums.  We dance like we've always danced together.  It would take forever to cover every point I made in that post but it is him to a T.  Everything in that post that I did with the man in my dreams, we had already done.  Every character trait I described, I'd already seen in him even in such a short period of time.



Thursday, he took me for a beautiful dinner overlooking a lake, sitting at the best table in the place.  The sun was lowering.  The sky was blue.  The water rippled with swimmers, boaters and birds.  We were so focused on one another that it was like we were the only ones in the place.

Once we had our drinks and our meals were ordered, I pulled out my phone, found the post, and handed it to him, making a point of getting him to note the date that I posted it.

He sat silently, reading it.  As he read, I could see that it was impacting him just as much as it did me.  I knew each time he read one of the particularly strong points by the way he'd jerk slightly as if someone poked him in the back.  I think he re-read some bits to make sure his eyes weren't fooling him, but maybe not.

When he was done, he looked at me with tears sparkling in his eyes and said, "I don't believe it."  I can't quote him but he said in so many words, "This is me.  You wrote about me.  A long time ago.  It's me."

Yes.  It's him.

The next day, Friday, I fixed the cologne thing.  I went out, sniffed and smelled and got him the one that made me think of him.  And guess what...  It's the same brand that was his favourite and that he wore years ago.

Yes.  It's him.

No more fear.

6 comments:

  1. I LOVE THIS!!! Go for it, girl. Love like you'll never get hurt. Don't think, just believe and enjoy. :-) xoxoxo

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  2. I'm going for it. What's to think about? I asked for him and here he is.

    I can't wait for you and B to meet him.

    So. This means I really do want to set our fall date for me to have you over for dinner.

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  3. Damn, I had read this post half way down, and then got interrupted at work. Doh. I forgot to come back and read the rest... The very part where you started talking about the true meaning of your title.

    Congrats on meeting such a wonderful man :)

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  4. Thanks.

    I'm sure you and B will be meeting him sometime soon!

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