An Old Bird

I called my Gramma one night and I got this conversation down right away before I forgot it. The Gramma who's still living. Not the one who passed away.

*RING! RING! *

"Hello?" an old, quavery voice answers.

"Hi Gramma!"

"Oh, hi! How are you doing?"

"I'm good. I found some money in my account and I think I know who it's from."

"Oh, did you now? You better enjoy it. There probably won't be much else until I kick the bucket."

"Well. I wanted to let you know it got here and tell you thank you because I appreciate it. Although, I feel kind of guilty getting it because I really don't need it."

"Don't feel guilty. I'm glad you appreciate it, like I'm sure all the rest do, too. Now you have a little something to make things a bit easier. Spend it however you want on whatever you want."

"I also think my Gramma is another year older but I was away at Roger's grad when that happened."

"She sure is. She's an old bird now. Your father came over and Sherry and Tracy and Auntie John came too and they had dinner here. The kitchen ordered me a birthday cake, from the place, you know. And the cook gave me a nice bouquet…3 really pretty roses."

"Aww. That's great, Gramma! They can come out and buy dinner from there and join you in the dining room?"

"Yes. They just pay for their dinner. You know."

"Did you get some gifts too? Anything other than tickets which is all I can ever think of?"

"Oh, yes. Your father got me scratch tickets and that Tracy. She never learns. I always tell her I don't want things. She got me a comforter and all that other shit. And then she got me a picture too. I don't need a comforter. I'm going to get her to take it back and just get me a duvet cover. That's all I need. I don't know what I'm going to do with a picture. I have all those other pictures and I haven't even hung those up yet. The kitchen got me a birthday cake, from the place, you know."

"I'm glad they're treating you well. It sounds like they feed you well, too."

"Oh, yes. We get together 3 times a week for coffee, too. You know."

"They take you out for coffee? Or you meet in the facility?"

"Oh, here, you know. I didn't go yesterday, though. I heard they had a big row down there."

"A row? There was a fight?"

"Oh, yes. That one old woman. She's bitchy and that. You know. They got into it, I guess. She's just real nasty. She yelled at me three times where we sit at our table to eat. They told me they were going to move me and I told them I wasn't moving for HER. If anyone should be moved, it's HER. I sit with a real nice group now."

"So they moved her to another table?"

"Oh, yes. She yells at someone else at the new table. But I stay out of it."

"What the hell did she yell at you about?"

"Well. You know. We were at a gathering and she told me, "I can't sing." I told her, "You could hum." And then she started yelling at me."

"Then we were waiting to go in for lunch another time, and she starts in, "I don't like this. I don't like this place. Yee yee yee." So I told her, "The best thing to do then is move to another place." She gets yelling at me again."

"The last time, the manager was gone on holidays and I said, "I bet he's glad to get away from here and all the nagging." She's yelling, "You're just a BITCH!! What a BITCH! Yee yee yee." I told her, "Oh, go sit down and BE QUIET!"

"Good thing she takes her meals at another table now then," I answer.

"Oh, yes. She yells at people over there but I stay out of it. I sit with a real nice group now."

"So, are there any romances going on there, Gramma?"

"No. No romances. Well. There's this one fellow. I think he romances everyone though. He wanted to get funny."

"Funny how? Is he a dirty old man?"

"Oh, he asked to take me out on a date, but I could be his mother! I am. I'm the same age as his mother! He asked to take me on a nice date and I told him, "Oh, don't be silly, Dave! I'm as old as your mother." He said, "Well, I like the older women.""

"Did you ask him WHY he likes older women?"

"No! I don't want to know why!"

"Well, next time, ask him for me. I keep wondering what it is about guys who chase women 20 years older than them."

"Oh, no. I don't want to give him any more ideas. He's a kooky guy. Kooky kook. But you know, he went to Calgary a little bit ago and he did come back with a real nice car. A nice red one."

"Oh. Well. Any other prospects?"

"No. Well. There's that one Swedish guy. He just came back from 3 weeks in Sweden. He's real nice. Doesn't put the rush on you. You know. He's real good. We watch TV and that. He's young too. I could be his mother too, but he doesn't put the rush on you. You know."

After she says this, I have to wonder if he's actually Swedish or just calls him "that one Swedish guy" because he took a trip to Sweden.

"So, are you telling me that at this age, you don't think about sex anymore?"

"Oh, no. Just thinking about it makes me tired. I'm all finished with that stuff."

"You should still be thinking about it, I think."

"That's life in the slow lane, my girl. I'm in the slow, slow lane."

"But, Gramma! Don't tell me that. I want to still be thinking about it when I'm your age."

"Well. You better hurry up and get using it then. Cuz if you don't use it, you'll lose it just like me."

*sigh*

"Well, I'm glad you had a good birthday. I have a couple more of those huge crossword books to send you."

"I don't want the hard ones. If they're hard, take them back. I only like the easy ones."

"I know, Gramma. These are all easy. They're just big for the big print so they're easier for you to read."

"Okay. Those sound like they'll be good. I'm going to hang up now. I'm not one for the phone. You know. And I'm tired. I think I'll go to bed now."

"Okay, Gramma. Have a good sleep."

"I love you."

"I love you lots too, Gramma."